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How Reality Really Happens

Each of us has certain views of events around us, ourselves, and others.   We think our views actually describe objective facts or reality.  We believe our "stories" to be true - as if they're not opinions or beliefs, but rather TRUTH. Some beliefs certainly are objectively true (e.g., this desk is 30" high).  Other beliefs are helpful in getting us through our day-to-day lives effectively (e.g., "Stop at red lights and pay your bills or bad things could happen").  But when it comes to interpersonal relationships and our psychological and emotional realities, TRUTH is a little harder to come by.

For example, listen to a conversation of a young woman talking with a friend about her boyfriend:

"He is such a hypocrite!  First he says he loves me, and then last night he says he wants to end the relationship, for good!  I am so mad!  I can't believe what a jerk he is!  He really hurt me!  I'm never speaking to him again!"

"I can't believe he did that either. Did he actually say he wants to end it?"

"Well, not exactly, but that's what he means.

"Exactly what did he say?"

"Well, he said he was very frustrated about us and didn't know what he was going to do.

"Why do you think that means he wants to break up?"

"I don't know -- I just KNOW!"

Here's How It Works  

Even intelligent, reasonable, well-intentioned individuals may have trouble thinking of their strongly held opinions as subjective assumptions for which little evidence may exist outside of their own circular, emotional "reasoning".  It is especially hard when strong emotions are added to the equation -- that's when the strength of your views become rigid and closed off to evidence from the outside. That's the kind of situation that most often contributes to relationship problems.

Consider this 3-step model for how we create reality:

1. Something is said or done out there in external reality - outside of minds and emotions. Let's call this an Event.

2. We make Meaning of the event - we instantly interpret the event by filtering it through our largely unconscious system of assumptions, beliefs, past experiences, ideals and standards, desires and aversions, biases, perceptual and mood states at the moment, etc.

What we hear or see is unavoidably distorted by all of these variables, which we'll call Filters. Psychologically, almost all of our experience is a filtered and distorted version of factual "reality". We are instantly filtering events while they are happening, and in many cases even before they happen, through this highly automatic system of filters.

3. Based on the meaning we make up about the event, we have an emotional reaction, called Feelings. Tip: Feelings usually can be labeled with one word (e.g. sad, frustrated, happy).

4. We feel compelled to take Action, based on the Meaning we've assigned to the event and the resulting feelings we're having.

Let's use the example of the boyfriend above:

Event - The boyfriend said he was "very frustrated and didn't know what he was going to do" about the relationship.  That's the fact of the event, what he actually said.

Meaning - She interpreted his statement to mean that he was ending the relationship. She may have jumped to that conclusion because of feelings of insecurity, taking what he said as an attack on her character, or being afraid she'd be hurt if he broke it off, so she'd dump him first. All those filters colored the meaning she took from what he actually said.

One thing that guarantees our certainty about a meaning is getting someone to agree with us. Then we really believe we're right! Unfortunately, most friends are not as discerning as this girl's friend was to ask what actually happened.

Feelings - She felt mad and hurt. Adding emotion like that to her interpretation cemented her view of the event. Further distorting the event is a process of "emotional reasoning" - a kind of logic that says, "If I feel so strongly about it then it must be true!"

Action - You can see how her plan of action -- "never speaking to him again" -- would naturally follow from how she interpreted what was said, her certainty about its meaning, and the nature of her emotions about it. The only problem with all this is that she is reacting to, and planning a course of action about, something that didn't really happen!

Can you begin to see that our reactions to things are based on our interpretations of events, not on the events themselves?  Events occur, and then we add meaning and react to the meaning as if it were the event itself.  If you don't believe me, take an upsetting event, identify the negative meaning you gave it, then brainstorm four new meanings about it - either neutral or positive ones - and see how you feel adopting each of them.

What are your examples?

Take a few moments and think of some examples of your own, in which you were not accurately understood, or in which you did not accurately understand someone else.

Which examples were easier to think of? Is it easier to think of how you were misinterpreted or how you misinterpreted others?   Most of us are self-centered in that we think far more about how we've been misunderstood than about how we misunderstood others. We are usually more attached to our own views, and more likely to think of others' opinions as erroneous (unless, of course, they agree with us, in which case we think they're "right")

When our view of a situation differs from someone else's, and then we add a bit of emotion to the mix, we may end up calling that person a few names -- "hypocrite, jerk".  We may tend to describe them as doing something to us (e.g. "He really hurt me"), as if we've been victimized. Or we act as if the other person intended to hurt us.  It's easier to blame others for offending us than it is to take responsibility for the meaning we are adding to events. And it's harder still to take responsibility for our own actions that may be offending others.

You may say, "But you don't know my husband/ wife the way I do. I know the way s/he really thinks!"

Not true.  What you can say with absolute certainty is that you view the situation the way you do, and you are feeling what you feel.  You are the expert on you and what goes on inside your skin. Beyond that, at least to some degree, you're guessing, assuming, predicting from past experience, interpreting, imagining -- making something up in your head that may or may not be accurate.

Right vs. Wrong   To accurately understand another's inner reality usually requires dedicated listening and putting aside one's own opinions.  Sometimes when you insist you're sure of what's going on with another person, you may actually be inflicting your views onto them about things that you are not the expert on - i.e., their thoughts, feelings, and motives.

The more insistent you are that your way is the Right Way, the more likely it is you'll turn mere differences into a "Right vs. Wrong" battle, where something is either one way OR another.  You won't allow that it could be BOTH ways.  "There's only One Way to squeeze the toothpaste tube!"  "It's my way or the highway!"

Think about how political adversaries hurl insults at each other. One side insists they are correct and the other person is wrong-headed and shortsighted. The other side says the first guy is dishonest and misleading.  Ever feel you and your partner are in that kind of debate?

The insistence that, "My Reality (belief, goal, religion, political view...) is the only RIGHT one may be the leading cause of physical and psychological death and disfigurement known to mankind.  Most of us would say we can't stand arrogant or self-righteous people.  But when we insist that "I am RIGHT and you are WRONG!",  aren't we ourselves exercising arrogance and acting self-righteously?

Fighting For Your Life

Disagreements like these in relationships often feel like desperate situations in which there must be a Winner and a Loser. And most of us, push come to shove, would rather be the Winner.  If you're fighting as if your life depends upon it, you're likely to "kill" someone in self-defense, and likely to justify you're having done so.  When disagreements have that kind of intensity, usually both sides lose.  After they lose their tempers, they lose intimacy, emotional safety, friendship, cooperation, respect for others and themselves.

With the emotional intensity of WIN or LOSE, you automatically revert to the "reptilian" part of your brain -- geared to survival at all costs, no matter who gets "killed" in the process. It's a primitive, survival-of-the-fittest drama happening right there in your mind and your living room -- just like those nature shows on TV about wildlife predators and prey -- and you and your partner are the stars! Next time you lay into your "loved" one in such an unloving fashion, imagine yourself as that lion grabbing onto the throat of its prey to bring it down. Acknowledge, if it's true, that you're behaving savagely toward the other person to dominate them with your version of reality, and to invalidate their reality.

Everyone has his or her own experience of events colored by a variety of factors. And everyone is affected by those factors, and their emotions, when they are driven into action. For couples to be successful they need to create an atmosphere in which each person has the opportunity to honestly express what Reality is like for them, and to be listened to with respect and genuine interest by their partner. This is part of what you're here to learn.

Relationship Enhancement is one set of tools used in couples counseling to reduce the amount of distortion, drama, and misunderstanding that ofter occurs in close relationships.