By the time a relationship reaches a stage of crisis, the partners are probably engaged in destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors. Circular arguments, withdrawal, blame and criticism, and repeating the past problems without solutions can lead to emotional pain and numbing, as well as separation and divorce Following are some brief recommendations that can help to quickly reduce conflict and escalating behaviors and begin to allow for the possibility of peace and change. If a couple is at a stage where these tips apply, they may need the help of couples counseling to calm the intensity and introduce effective communication and problem-solving.
DO’S:
Remember why you got together with your partner in the first place. At one time they were a separate person whom you enthusiastically selected because you thought they were charming, attentive, open, fun, sexy… Under the right conditions they could be all those qualities again - possibly when YOU again become charming, attentive, open, fun, sexy…. Some things may have gone wrong, but they can get “un-wronged”. Problems can get solved. Relationships can get re-romanticized.
Look for opportunities to solve problems, not replay them. We too often act more interested in rehashing and reliving past disagreements than we are in reaching agreements for the future. We do this in many ways...
Insisting that a partner has not changed and can not change. Refusing to see and acknowledge that they are trying and have made some progress.
Implying that because an issue wasn’t worked out in the past, it’s somehow too late to work it out now. It's never too late.
Finding excuses to hold a grudge or avoid healthy discussion.
Declare Peace! Many times, couples have made an unspoken declaration of war and are engaged in war-like behaviors with each other – e.g., blaming, looking for things to criticize, withholding positive feelings, retaliating for perceived wrongs by the other, etc. These are powerful weapons that will emotionally kill your partner. If you ever hope to get from your partner what you say you want—affection, respect, support, and intimacy—you must keep them alive at all costs. An emotionally dead partner cannot satisfy your needs! Stop assaulting them! They cannot take it forever.
Catch you partner doing something right. Try to identify a few things that you like about your partner and let them know it. Feeling appreciated and liked makes one more open to communication and compromise, and more likely to like the other person back.
Most importantly, learn to develop a “from-now-on” orientation. When discussing issues, look for solutions by asking yourself, “What can my partner and I agree on right now?” (versus thinking about what didn't work in the past). “What can we agree to do differently from now on”? The present is full of opportunities for change, if you’re not too busy looking behind you for past failures - failures you imagine to be the future.
Lastly, remember the saying, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten”. You can change and so can your relationship. But you have to do something different! Begin it now.
DONT'S:
Don’t threaten abandonment. You pull the rug out from under your partner with statements like, “I’ve had it!”, “If you don’t like it, leave!”, “I need to find someone else who can give me what I want”. Threats of terminating the relationship, when used to shut a partner up, “win” an argument, or to dominate, hurt or scare the other person, are forms of emotional abuse. If you scare your partner by threatening to leave, they will not trust you, and will not work on things. Threats do not motivate people to act lovingly toward you. Threats are not effective problem-solving tools.
Don’t ruminate on past events. Literally, the word “ruminate” means to chew on something over and over again - like cows do with partially digested food. If this doesn’t sound appetizing to you, think of how mental rumination affects you. Ruminating forces you into a dark emotional cave of pessimism, isolation, and bitterness that’s based on the failures of the past. Furthermore, it leads you to picture a future that is more of the same. You can only generate hope of a different future by learning to put the past in the past and looking forward to create something new.
Don’t criticize. Although you may rationalize that your partner deserves criticism. But is your behavior changing anything, or just creating another problem? Or perhaps you partner appears unaffected by your criticism so you think no harm is being done. But they may simply be hiding behind harder and harder defenses to survive your attack. Force yourself to find other ways to communicate by first abstaining from the negative, ineffective behaviors. Only by eliminating criticism can you open yourself to other options. Only by doing so can your partner become more open to other, more positive feelings about you.
Call Dr. DiDomenicis at 510-915-2647 or Email Fran@drfrand.com